From time to time, approximately 4-5 of times a year I wake up with a feeling that I should write something out of me. I rarely execute on it. Mainly because time constraints are a reality of mine and my own psychological well-being can not easily be prioritized, but also because every time I feel like turning to writing and describing my feelings it tends to be over sad and negative states of mind and I don't want to be a cry-baby.
Still, as I have had many positive past experiences, how putting something into black and white can be radically liberating, then this morning I felt unable to resist another urge to do an inventory to my psyche.
Main reason why I use the 15+ years old insignificant blog of mine as the platform for my self-reflection journeys is that it serves as a memory for myself. I find it fascinating... To go back to a post written more than 10 years ago and to exactly remember the conditions and reasons for sitting down and writing the post. I believe it is so because of the fact that these urges to turn to this way of self expression are rooted deep-deep in the bottom layers of the need to be loved. This need seems to be the greatest of any other if we leave out simple animalistic physical parts of breathing, drinking water and eating.
Other, bit smaller reasons are the facts that by exposing myself to people reading the post I get to practice vulnerability and that I often get support from my closest friends through conversations and discussions after my posts and also because I get grateful feedback also 4-5 x a year from someone who has somehow found a way to my blog describing how the ideas and concepts from some posts have helped them, given insight and are relatable.
So, with this long preface to remind me about my motives of writing I would like to return to the topic of loneliness. As I browsed the last 4-5 posts that I have published on the blog over past 4 years they seem to share this theme. Bit depressing I should say.
Also an implication that this is the most prominent hole in my pursuit of trying to live a meaningful and joyful life.
So loneliness. Where am I with this topic? I've been forced to tackle this subject for 3-4 year in excruciating way really, hitting record low rock-bottoms over and over again.
This has been by far the hardest learning in my being but also through that it has probably advanced me the most as a human being. Diving deeper and deeper into layers of what a species of ours is capable of going through. Surviving, suffering, falling down but always only to stand up again.
One of the concepts I've learned, embrace and really love is emotional granularity. Humans in my culture room mainly express their feelings through 8 different symbols like happiness, sadness, hate etc... but the real truth is that there are so many more emotions and combinations of the biggest identifiable ones. I have written down these for a year or so-now.
The description though on the darkest days about loneliness scares me. I have found it to be hopeless.
The description would be something like this: Absolute Emptiness. Nothing but darkness around without any reason to take steps towards anywhere because nothing would change. The feeling (Not suicidal) that if it would be possible to evaporate without hurting the loved ones but more importantly who love me then the answer would be yes.
Heavy.
Pretty steep, huh!
All this I can express knowing by now for sure that I am someone with an old soul (they say 3% of human kind) who's mission in this life is to lead and to give to others by sharing time and example.
The position that I experience is more of an observer than a captain of the vessel or a a driver in a formula car that can be called my body.
Still as being a human who is getting the experience of living and being the superhero of his own life then what ultimately matters is the level of your weakest days and that can be a struggle.
The journey of my loneliness in short, not wanting to focus on objective facts is losing the desired and visioned narrative of my life by the break-down of my marriage. After that for couple of year there was no feeling of loneliness because the shock took all of the focus and energy. To deconstruct and then reconstruct the foundations of your whole being and philosophy of life is wearing. So in a way reaching to a state of deepest loneliness is a sure sign that great work behind me has been a success and the heart is ready to seek fulfilment, completeness again.
The state of loneliness that I am feeling is not a lack of human interaction or social contact really. The number of family connections: first and foremost my son 💕 , then my dear soon 10 year old puppy, a relationship with my mother that has elevated to never before level mainly because of this break-down, really close friends with meaningful relationships, other friends, good colleagues, social events and big circle of acquaintances, also dating and meeting new people... these are all present in my life.
The loneliness that I am missing has a home in deeper levels than everyday life. I have an abstract about that loneliness. This loneliness comes from the lack of connection at the very core level of being human. Lack of connection with someone who could multiple 1000...x all of the positives and reduce 1000...x times the hardships. Lack of synchronisation, - without + or vice versa.
I believe that this feeling I am trying to describe in a blunt way but is actually indescribable lays deeper in the dimensions where a lot of people have chosen not to live their lives or they are simply unaware of. That makes experiencing connection with someone on that level really rare. Also disappointment and frustration really regular because giving up is not an option.
Whereas I have totally cured the perfectionist in me that was a trial of mine while still discovering life on higher-social levels then I know that there is no settling in the matter of finding this one person, a woman who would be the right match. I also acknowledge that there is no one soulmate, there are plenty, simply the way I am as a person makes finding her in a fast-paced World respectfully and sustainably a mission of impossible.
I have found many tools that are able to mask this rock-bottom feeling and also to bring relief to cope with it on daily basis. Learned through gratitude and mindfulness to still enjoy living every day in a meaningful way, but I can not get rid of the big hole in the heart and I know it not to be possible to get rid of.
I am really tired of holding on to the hope of a miracle, but hope is the only thing that remains for me.
It is always darkest before the dawn and hereby I will publicly send out my request for the entity, Universe, god - however someone would desire to call the ultimate connectedness of energy to give me that someone.
Someone to resonate, to understand and who would take me in with both the goods-and-bads and someone with a shoulder to press my head on. Not because I would necessarily need strength or supportive structure, there is too much of strength in me already. Simply need that shoulder and kind eyes desiring for what boils in me and what I can offer because of the combination to make this partial equation whole, the other side of my meaningfully lived life.
Even better is that I could do the same for her.
